Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.