Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.