Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.