Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Breaking news:
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
