Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”