even bears disappoint their mothers
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
me after eating Cheetos
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
being a writer on Twitter:
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy