even bears disappoint their mothers
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.