even bears disappoint their mothers
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy