Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
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what do you want
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high