Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

2023 was just a warmup

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve