Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
You Might Also Like
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.