Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I love it
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other