Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.