Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number