Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.