Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Suuuuure
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
What’s so funny?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises