Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.