Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
the zen of frog
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.