Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I basically called this earlier today
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”