Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.