Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.