Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me