Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

❄️

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”