Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?