even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Covid like
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.