even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Sell your car
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
