even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
oppen heimer style lol
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Matt Goss
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money