even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
can you read it!!??
maan!
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit