Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Succinctly put.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
not seeing the problem
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO