Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

This sounds bad:

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

My fantasy football season is going great

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.