Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT