Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
You Might Also Like
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”