Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Human are so complicated
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.