Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
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My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Not today. 😅
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.