Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

RT if you know someone like this!!!

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.