“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!