“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive