Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.