Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
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I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:![]()
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I love you…
…r dog.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.