Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today