Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them