Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?