Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
#Caturday
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.