Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.