Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Easy enough.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.