Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Extremely relatable.