Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
A roof is a house hat.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.