Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Dishonest mechanic?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
every olympics i turn into this guy
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it