Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that