Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
You Might Also Like
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.