Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
wishing you and yours all the best
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
