Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.