Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty much. 🤣

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.