Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Bike is short for Bichael.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Aaaa…CHOO!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.