Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.