Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

I love you to the refrigerator and back

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.