Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.