Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
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President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations