Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My dad is at it again
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.