Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.