Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Name this drama.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place