Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Well, this is awkward
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.