Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.