Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
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Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Velcrow
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I thought this was funny lol
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.