Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
The fall of Netflix
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?