Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.