Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
one week till the election
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.