Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.
And that saddens me deeply.
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
anyone else like Italian cereal
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I just love that new Pope smell.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh