Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.
And that saddens me deeply.
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
is he marrying that labradoodle
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now