Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica