Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.