Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I have two kinds of followers
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???