Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.