No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
*pronounces fake like saké*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes