@justokpanda

Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,

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@joci2203

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

@TeflonPawn

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

@hellohappy_time

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

@mrtruthandsoul

Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways

@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

@flashember

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

@Kyle_Lippert

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

@mjkspeaks

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.