Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song