Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”